Friday, August 28, 2009
never sent e-mail
my darlin marilyn my heart is broken. i long to hear your sweet voice.to feel your loving touch.i have been praying for help so maybe i will understand. but i just cant. you were my soul mate. the one personi wanted to share eternity with in heaven..we have been through so much togeather.there have been many tough times but its not the tough times that i dwell on its the little things i remember. like how preaty the sun would be shining on your hair or how sweet your face was as i looked at you while you slept..how i long to hold your hand once more. to kiss your sweet lips just one more time so i could etch that moment in my mind forever.you may find another love but no one will ever love you so completly like i do.. my love for you is true.its grown day by day for more than 17 years and continues to grow even as we are apart.i hate the thought of living my life without you by my side. no matter what ever happened to me it would be o.k. as long as you were with me. i am not ging to send this letter. i was at first but i wanted you to tell me you wanted me back on your own. i didnt want to make you feel sorry for me. what happened to your heart that you would throw away a love so large ?i worry you are going to meet someone who will hurt you please be careful. take your time and make sure he cares about you.you will never read this but i felt like i had to put it down in print i dream that you would listen to your heart and realize that we belong togeather for all eternity you me and the love togeather foever and ever.i know i told you not to call but all i do is sit by the phone and stare at it waiting for it to ring and yet i know it will not..yet i still wait to hear that wonderful ring.as i stare at my mute phone i wonder what you are doing at that very moment.are you watching a movie or shopping,i can only hope that you sometimes think of me.you are never out of my mind.as the song says "you are the reason for laughing and for crying for living and for dieing you are my soul and highest inspiration".last night i sprayed some of your perfume on my pillow and it helped.i had wonderful dreams of you .once again you were in my arms.i lavished you with tender kisses. but when i woke up and reached out for you i realized it was just a dream a wonderful beautiful dream yet i still could smell your perfume.Well here i am again alone.Its not so bad that i am alone.Its that marilyn being beside me was calmingAgain i wonder what she is doing tonight.I wish to god that i was near her.I can only hope that she will forgive mefor the cruel things i put her through and did to her. I am truly the scum of the earth.I am the one that god should punish. Maybe he has.
E-mails
I promise baby I'll love youwith you forever I'll stayI'll do anything and everythingTo keep harm to you awayI promise baby I can give you hugsThat only I can giveI'll honor and protect youAs long as I shall liveI promise baby I'll give you kissesSo sweet forever you'll tasteI'll kiss you until tomorrows hereNo kisses for you to wasteI promise baby I'll be here with youLike I know hope you'll be there for meI'll bring happiness to your eyesLove deeper than the seaI promise baby I'll never hurt youforever have no fearsI'll give up everythingTo see you cry no tearsI promise baby you can trust meI'll give you all i have and moreI'll be your fairytale suitorYou shall be my Cinderella girlI promise baby I'll treat youAs only you will beMy beautiful royal princessfor only me to seeI promise baby this to youPromises so deep " But I'm truly sorry,there were only a few I keep."
yours forever LeVant
yours forever LeVant
E-mails
MY DARLIN MARILYN WELL ITS 230 IN THE MORNING. I COULDN'T SLEEP. I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.I WANT WHATS BEST FOR YOU NOT WHATS BEST FOR ME.IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO COME BACK.THEN DON'T.I WANT YOU TO COME HOME BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME HOME IF THE REASON IS YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME.I AM TO BLAME NOT YOU.YOU TRUSTED ME AND I FAILED YOU I TRULY LOVE YOU GIRL AND WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU TILL THE DAY I DIE AND EVEN AFTER THAT, BUT I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.ONE LETTER FROM YOU TELLING ME WE ARE THROUGH AND I PROMISE YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM ME AGAIN.I THINK BY NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I AM WRITING THIS BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN HAVING NIGHTMARES.I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN.YOUR LOVE IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME. I AM SO SORRY FOR HAVING RAISED MY VOICE TO YOU.YOU DESERVED BETTER AND I FEEL LIKE A REAL PIECE OF SHIT FOR HAVING DONE IT.A REAL MAN WOULD HAVE TREATED YOU WITH THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT I PROMISE I WILL NEVER DO THAT TO YOU AGAIN.THE THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE AFRAID OF ME IS JUST EATING ME UP INSIDE.I ALWAYS WANTED YOU TO FEEL SAFE WITH ME.I AM JUST BABBLING NOW SO ILL CLOSE FOR NOW AND TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP.BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU CANT FORGIVE ME I WILL UNDERSTAND. YOU NEVER DESERVED THAT KIND OF TREATMENT ESPECIALLY FROM SOMEONE YOU LOVED.GOODNIGHT MY SWEETNESS. I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR CALL IN THE MORNING I TRULY WORSHIP THE GROUND YOU WALK ON.
WITH ALL MY LOVE
LeVant
WITH ALL MY LOVE
LeVant
E-mails
How do I say I want to be the one you turn to whenever your scaredHow do I say your the most beautiful girl I've ever known, even when your standing in the pouring rain no one else even comes close to you How do I tell you I want to be the one to treat you rightHow do I say I won't ever let anyone ever hurt you, and that I would die to keep you safe When do I tell you I love the way your eyes sparkel every time you smile, the way your eyes widen so brightly that you light up the night and then when you giggle my whole body goes warm and tinglyhow do I tell you I never want you to leave and hope you would never want to either...How do I say that I even love you when your angry and i just want you to let all of your frustrationsout on me so you wont want to run anymore...How do I say that no one else even comes close to you, and that's why I don't even bother looking, How do I say I want to be the onethat cares for you every time your sick How do I tell you that I want to be the one holding your hand whenever your sadthrough all of life's problems just so you know it will all be ok againAnd I want to be the one that makes youthe happiest girl alive, every single day of your lifeI want to be the one that makes your life better I want to be the one who never lets you downHow do I say I think of you every minute I'm awakeHow do I tell you your the most amazing person I've ever metHow do I say that just being around you makes my whole day betterHow do I say it doesn't matter what I have as long as I have youHow do I say I want to be the man who grows old with youWhen do I stop all this an just kiss you so softly and passionately you melt into my arms and never want to go anywhere but just stay in that moment foreverHow do I say three little words How do I say I love youHow do I know you won't turn and run.......How do I know you'll say it back to me I can't promise every day will be like a fairytale happy ending but I will try with all of my heart to make you life better I'm so scared you will break my heart I can't bear thinking about living my life without you
E-mails
Your angel eyes gaze upon mewith you, there's nowhere else id rather bethan looking in your angel eyesin your eyes i see it allthe one girl who wont let me fallwhile i'm gazed into your angel eyesits in your eyes i know its truethat there's not another girl just like youits the look you have in your angel eyesthis final look into your eyesmakes me never wanna say goodbyecause i'm lost into your angel eyes.
E-mails
Thinking of all the pain that you are going through Looking at your picture and what a lovely view So many mysteries aboundand still I have no clue The thought of your suffering is killing me too It's a volcano boiling with pain and hope for you Tears drop from your eyes cover me with morning's dew Sitting on the floor and still thinking it's not true Trying to reason with my senses and what we always knew What happened to you? I feel as if I'm helplesswith someone thats so blue Tell me baby if our hearts still beating one rhythm not two I long to be with you to share your pain and be inside you tooSitting outside listening to the birds and wishing to be with you Hoping to find a way to free your heart and soul from your taboo With each thought your love within my heart blossomed and grew So many thoughts provoking ideasfamiliar only with few Patience is a virtue let the days show What our love can do
Forever Yours LeVant
Forever Yours LeVant
E-mails
I know I promised I'd never make you cry;I know it hurts but please dry your eyes.I will give to you whatever you need;A hug, a kiss, just tell me please.To see you cry is a terrible sight;Just let me love you and I'll hold you tight.I'll do anything you want to make you proud;I'll climb the highest peak and yell your name aloud.I love you to much to see you cry;Please sweetheart don't say goodbye.Don't push me away I must stay near;To gently wipe away your tears.If we must truly say goodbye;One more time just close your eyes.And let us share one final kiss;For you are the love, I will forever miss.
yours forever LeVant
yours forever LeVant
E-mails
Would you just listen and please don't say a word, just yet,I'd like you to think back to the very first time we met,How you felt around me? The memories we shared,And just remember that once upon a time, you really cared.Now think about how we parted, and how much I cried,But please don't speak, remember that I never ever lied,That you told me the honest truth about why we were to split,But now I'd like you to know that my heart broke bit by bit.The pain was deep, unbearable and painful, for so many days,I'll never forget all the sadness, all the uncontrollable tears, I am not content with what I've got,And although it is hard I will never t forget what I have lostYou were a special part of my life that I will never forget, A part of my life that broke my heart, but that I don't regret,You gave me some happy memories that I'll keep in my heart,Although I wish that you and I didn't have to part.You were my first love and my true love, that will always be so,After all of the heartache, sadness and never ending pain, I know,You and I had something special and that will never change,Because I love you and loving someone else will never be.Would you just listen and please don't say a word, not ever,I'd like you to remember that once upon a time, we said forever,That we had hopes and dreams, that I was the one who threw them away,And this is something I will always regret until my dying day
yours forever LeVant
yours forever LeVant
E-mails
good morning beautiful
you know when i met you seventeen years ago it was love at first sight. as ech day goes by i love you more then the day before.
you know when i met you seventeen years ago it was love at first sight. as ech day goes by i love you more then the day before.
E-mails
The last thing I grabbed when I left home was the Bible. The one translated into American English. I was reading from John, and read about Jesus. I was brought to tears about what he said and what happened to him. When Mike said why are you crying, that is what I said. I said I was reading from the New Testament and when I read the words of Jesus they make me cry. Just thinking about what he went through makes me have tears - some of happy and some of utter distress. Nobody should be able to pay for my sins. I should pay for my own sins. Why allow a perfect, gentle man, a Jewish man, my brother in the flesh really to feel the hurt of Crucifixion? I can't stop crying.....
E-mails
no i am not happy you know that. you are the most disirable women i know you have true natural beauty. the guys back at school were losers .you more than filled my fantesys.you were the best woman i ever had. you are not a piece of shit stop saying that. I am the one who is the piece of shit for treating a lady like you the way i did. i reall dont deserve to be with you. i wish i could turn back time and do it again i would do everything in my power to make you happy and put joy in your heart.being happy and having joy are not the same thing. joy is when god is in your heart. marilyn if you put your faitg in god and our lord jesus christyou will go to heaven. you know he died for our sins and if you believe you will have joy in your heart knowing you are going to heaven (i just heard this from a replay of a billly grahm meeting) the last thing in the world i want is for you to be unhappy. so get with it and move on and make yourself happy i told you many times i will support you on whatever it is you want to do . so dont worry be happy girl
E-mails
I am seriously considering taking a good amount of pills. I hurt you way more than anyone deserves to be hurt. You have been kind to me in more ways than I can tell anyone. Yes, even Nicole. You have a different relationship with your kids. You are "friends". I was harsher and was afraid that they would get in bad trouble. I wanted to make sure they weren't potheads or alcoholics. I was afraid that Nicole would get knocked up and now she is afraid to have a child. It is my fault.I won't do it today. I want to make sure that nobody is going to get in the way this time. You are not here to stop me either.Nobody will "have me" but the devil. That's what I deserve for causing you pain.
E-mails
I don't want to hurt your feelings about that. Hey, my libido got up and left . I hate being "castrated". Not having my womanly ability makes me feel like shit. I am not trying to hurt you about what you cannot control. Apparently I am ignorant of what men do when they go through their changes. I wish I would have fully cooperated with you on whatever it was so that I could have at least fulfilled your fantasies. It is a BIG compliment that you find ugly me at all attractive. I never felt that I was a HOT Chick. I always hated that. Like I said I was bullied alot in school and the good-looking guys never asked me out. I wasn't a cheerleader, or involved in any sports because of my hip. I was always afraid it would cause me to be in a wheel chair. Yeah, I am a sorry fucking bitch. You should curse at me, I deserve it. I am a big piece of shit. OK? Are you happy now.
E-mails
in the next post i will post our exchange of e-mails prior to my great idea that we stop talking
my journal
8/27/09 thursday
Marilyn called late last night.She told me she was not going to come home.I felt devastated.I can't go on like this walking the edgeanymore.Wonderingwhen she was or if she was coming home.So i did the unthinkable. I sent her an e-mail telling her i know its over so we need not talk anymore.No kind of contact of any kind.You have no idea how hard it was to hit the send button. I must have stared at that button for an hour before hitting it.It was the hardest thing i have ever done.I am sorry i did it now.I looked forward to hearing her voice.Now i have all the time in the world to cry and i have.How long does it take for a broken heart to mend.
Marilyn called late last night.She told me she was not going to come home.I felt devastated.I can't go on like this walking the edgeanymore.Wonderingwhen she was or if she was coming home.So i did the unthinkable. I sent her an e-mail telling her i know its over so we need not talk anymore.No kind of contact of any kind.You have no idea how hard it was to hit the send button. I must have stared at that button for an hour before hitting it.It was the hardest thing i have ever done.I am sorry i did it now.I looked forward to hearing her voice.Now i have all the time in the world to cry and i have.How long does it take for a broken heart to mend.
my journal
8/26/09 wednesday
I woke up today at 530 A.M. and am waiting to hear from marilyn.Marily the name even gives me chills Marilyn Marilyn Marilyn My sweet Marilyn.In my life i have known many women even thought i loved a fewbut nothing comes close to how i feel about her.I would gladly die for her.It would be a privilege to give my life for her.Without this lady my life is meaningless.I have asked her to remarry me again .I would love to hear her say i do once again.Oh well dream on.
I woke up today at 530 A.M. and am waiting to hear from marilyn.Marily the name even gives me chills Marilyn Marilyn Marilyn My sweet Marilyn.In my life i have known many women even thought i loved a fewbut nothing comes close to how i feel about her.I would gladly die for her.It would be a privilege to give my life for her.Without this lady my life is meaningless.I have asked her to remarry me again .I would love to hear her say i do once again.Oh well dream on.
my journal
8/25/09 Tuesday
I am now thinking she is not coming home.I think she is afraid to tell me this.She probibly doesn't want to hurt me anymore thaen she already hasbut i wish she would be honest with me.I know she deserves better then i can offer her.I know this.I just want to hold her in my arms one more time.To kiss her sweet lips again and savor the moment forever.What a fool i was.All those nights she was right next to me and all she wanted was a little attention and tenderness.She wanted me to show her i cared and what did i do?Iturned over and went to sleep.Because of myE.D. i have felt like half a man.
I am now thinking she is not coming home.I think she is afraid to tell me this.She probibly doesn't want to hurt me anymore thaen she already hasbut i wish she would be honest with me.I know she deserves better then i can offer her.I know this.I just want to hold her in my arms one more time.To kiss her sweet lips again and savor the moment forever.What a fool i was.All those nights she was right next to me and all she wanted was a little attention and tenderness.She wanted me to show her i cared and what did i do?Iturned over and went to sleep.Because of myE.D. i have felt like half a man.
my journal
8/24/09 monday
I talked to marilyn today.It was a good talk.Afterwards i sent hera few love poems.She called me this afternoon and she seemd distant and cold.I think she has changed her mind about her coming home.Ther is nothing i can do.I have done and said all that i can.I have been on my knees begging her to come home.I guess its really over.I am a poor man .All i can offer her is my undieing love and devotion for the rest of our lives.I am very depressed nowShit how long am i going to be on this emotional rolly coaster.
I talked to marilyn today.It was a good talk.Afterwards i sent hera few love poems.She called me this afternoon and she seemd distant and cold.I think she has changed her mind about her coming home.Ther is nothing i can do.I have done and said all that i can.I have been on my knees begging her to come home.I guess its really over.I am a poor man .All i can offer her is my undieing love and devotion for the rest of our lives.I am very depressed nowShit how long am i going to be on this emotional rolly coaster.
my journal
8/23/09 sunday
Marilyn called me this morning what a way to wake up.I loved it.Something in the way she is talking is bothering me.She says she wants to come home but not right now.I hope she is not coming home because she has no other options. I want her to come home because she loves and wants to be with me.I hope i am wrong.I love her so much and i can feel my heart breaking.I feel i am not her number 1 anymore.
Marilyn called me this morning what a way to wake up.I loved it.Something in the way she is talking is bothering me.She says she wants to come home but not right now.I hope she is not coming home because she has no other options. I want her to come home because she loves and wants to be with me.I hope i am wrong.I love her so much and i can feel my heart breaking.I feel i am not her number 1 anymore.
my journal 8/22/09
8/22/09 saturday evening
Of all the people in this world i am the one who loves marilyn the most.I once saved her life.She would have died if i hadn't intervened.I don't think she knows how to return unconditional love.I keep checking my e-mailto seeif she has sent anything,but no nothing at all.I don't think she really cares.Thats what really hurts.All these years i thought she loved me.She said she did.How can she just up and leave.Its kinda funny one minute i love her the next i hate her.There really is a thin line between love and hate.
We finally exchanged e-mails this evening.Shedid sayshe loves me and does want to come home.I am so happy.Maybe she does know how to love but just can't show it well.Its like i have been living with a stranger all these years.We talked on the phone late tonight.We both proclaimed our love for each other.I can't begin to tell you how happy this has made me hearing her say she loves me.I am going to change.I am going to be more attentuve to her need and moods .When she talks i will listen to all she has to say.She will always come first from now on.She deserves the best i have to offer and she is going tp get it.I need to do whatever it takes to make her life good.I can sleep well tonight.She said she would call me in the morning. I am looking forward to morning and hear her sweet voice.
Of all the people in this world i am the one who loves marilyn the most.I once saved her life.She would have died if i hadn't intervened.I don't think she knows how to return unconditional love.I keep checking my e-mailto seeif she has sent anything,but no nothing at all.I don't think she really cares.Thats what really hurts.All these years i thought she loved me.She said she did.How can she just up and leave.Its kinda funny one minute i love her the next i hate her.There really is a thin line between love and hate.
We finally exchanged e-mails this evening.Shedid sayshe loves me and does want to come home.I am so happy.Maybe she does know how to love but just can't show it well.Its like i have been living with a stranger all these years.We talked on the phone late tonight.We both proclaimed our love for each other.I can't begin to tell you how happy this has made me hearing her say she loves me.I am going to change.I am going to be more attentuve to her need and moods .When she talks i will listen to all she has to say.She will always come first from now on.She deserves the best i have to offer and she is going tp get it.I need to do whatever it takes to make her life good.I can sleep well tonight.She said she would call me in the morning. I am looking forward to morning and hear her sweet voice.
my journal
this is a day by day account of my entries into my journal
8/22/09 saturday My wife left and moved to her daughters house in sacramento.we have been togeather 17 years almost 18 years.I can't believe anyone can just throw 18 yearsaway like that..on top of all this.I am using pain pills.They are doctor prescribed but nonetheless i am addicted to them.I am tryingto not take any right now.The pain keepsme from any more crying about marilyn.I miss her so badly.I feel like just rolling over and bieing.After all this time to find out she didn't really love meback.Its just to much for me to bear.Its been11 hours since i took any pain pills.I ache all over.I now have that restless leg feeling you get when you try to stop taking pain pills.I told marilyn on the phone that i loved her very much and needed her back,but she doesn't seem to care.How can a person do this.I just don't understand.I thoughtwe would be togeather for the rest of our livesand even be togeather in heaven after we died.The last couple of days i have been trying to get back in shape.I started jogging so i could lose weight.My legs are now very sore and i can hardly walk.I don't know if i will be able to run tomorrow.we will see.Haven't eaten in 3 days but am not hungry at all.After talking on the phone with marilyn this morning i sent her an e-mail telling her not to phone me anymore because hearing her voice only made mewant to cry some more.I think i am sorry i did that now.so far she hasn't called me.I guess we get what we ask for.
8/22/09 saturday My wife left and moved to her daughters house in sacramento.we have been togeather 17 years almost 18 years.I can't believe anyone can just throw 18 yearsaway like that..on top of all this.I am using pain pills.They are doctor prescribed but nonetheless i am addicted to them.I am tryingto not take any right now.The pain keepsme from any more crying about marilyn.I miss her so badly.I feel like just rolling over and bieing.After all this time to find out she didn't really love meback.Its just to much for me to bear.Its been11 hours since i took any pain pills.I ache all over.I now have that restless leg feeling you get when you try to stop taking pain pills.I told marilyn on the phone that i loved her very much and needed her back,but she doesn't seem to care.How can a person do this.I just don't understand.I thoughtwe would be togeather for the rest of our livesand even be togeather in heaven after we died.The last couple of days i have been trying to get back in shape.I started jogging so i could lose weight.My legs are now very sore and i can hardly walk.I don't know if i will be able to run tomorrow.we will see.Haven't eaten in 3 days but am not hungry at all.After talking on the phone with marilyn this morning i sent her an e-mail telling her not to phone me anymore because hearing her voice only made mewant to cry some more.I think i am sorry i did that now.so far she hasn't called me.I guess we get what we ask for.
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